Classmate assignment critiques

Critique of classmate’s writing assignment 2

I critiqued Selena Liu’s article “Alone Time.” Here is some of my feedback:

Strengths:

I like how everything came together in the closing lines. Selena told the story of a 20-year marriage in only 340 words. I also like the visual she gave of being in the kitchen–I could smell the chicken and picture a cozy scene with her husband. Although the hook opening needed more context, I thought the first sentence of the fifth paragraph was a good transition. After reading that, the first few paragraphs made sense.

Clarifications needed:

The first paragraph/hook opening was confusing to me. Additional context/scene-setting details would help here. Why is Selena opening the door? Why is she holding her laptop? And at the end, who was the annoying person from work? Is that what caused her to shut down in the opening? If Selena was 30 in the opening, how old is she now?  Has her communication with her husband changed since that time?

Reflection:

I thought Selena’s story was sweet and very relatable. She described her perspective and her husband’s perspective in a way that readers can easily understand. As someone who loves to talk and wants to fix everyone’s problems, this gave me some empathy–sometimes people just need space!

I also want to commend Selena for taking this course to improve her English writing skills, as she said in her intro to the class.  At my old job, I worked with people from all over the world (Venezuela, Russia, India, China) and it was hard to communicate highly technical material. Not because of a vocabulary barrier, but because writing conventions are so different in each language. I really respect Selena’s efforts and enjoyed reading her piece. 

Critique of classmate’s final assignment

Emma Tovar, Going on the grid with Bill Wiltsch

Hook paragraph:

The hook did a great job of setting up the rest of the story. A short anecdote that set the scene, got me interested, and gave just enough information to get the story started.

I did have a few lingering questions after the hook. Why was Bill in St. Louis? Is that where he lives, or is his home Long Island? Was the power off all weekend for all of Long Island? Did it take the full three weeks for power to get restored? What caused the undersea cables to fail?

The hook and story are still good without this information; those are just questions I had after reading.

Favorite part:

I like how you started with an anecdote, then gave some background info, then picked up again where the hook left off.

Overall, the article is well-written and organized. Excellent flow. It reads like a story of his life but not in a boring way. The details are vivid and the quotes add a personal touch. I felt like I’d had a conversation with Bill. Fun title too.

Improvements needed:

The only improvement I would suggest is telling us who Bill is! Is he someone famous that everyone should know, or a friend/relative of the author?

Takeaway:

The main takeaway was that Bill is a cool guy who worked hard–this profile reminds me of a Steve Jobs-type inventor. I also learned about the electrical grid: I’d never thought about undersea cables going to Long Island, or the necessity of an infrastructure rebuild during/after the Iraq War.

Social media promo: final writing assignment

Loved by architects, miners, Girl Scouts and Italians, the Yule Marble is no ordinary rock. The 34-million-year-old stone sparkles and stuns across the U.S., shaping national treasures like the Lincoln Memorial. Mined from a single quarry in the heart of the Rocky Mountains, the Yule Marble has endured numerous challenges. Today, it’s one of the most coveted marbles in the world and the official state rock of Colorado. 

#geology #coloradohistory

Colorado treasures: the Yule Marble

Over 100 years ago, geologists discovered a marble deposit along Yule Creek near Aspen, Colorado. Known as the Yule Marble its purity and natural occurrence in massive blocks make the sparkly white rock coveted worldwide. Architects from Denver to D.C. have used it to build landmarks like Union Station and the Lincoln Memorial. In Colorado, it’s now famous for another reason. In 2004, it became the official state rock with the help of Girl Scout Troop 357.

Marble is a metamorphic rock that forms when calcite-rich rocks like limestone are heated and altered. The Yule Marble formed 34 million years ago when heat from a magma intrusion deep underground altered the Leadville Limestone. The rock’s unusually pure composition of 99.5% calcite created its uniquely white appearance.

Marble mining

Although the deposit was discovered in 1873, commercial mining did not begin until 1905. The deposit changed ownership several times before the Colorado-Yule Marble Company purchased it and carved quarries into the mountainside along the creek. Mine workers used drills and saws to cut massive blocks of stone. The blocks were transported by cables, carts and wagons to the mill at the base of the mountain. After being cut and finished at the mill, the marble was loaded onto trains to be sold across the country.

Marble is ideal for constructing monuments, as its surface is easily polished and the white luminescence makes buildings stand out. Stone from the Yule Creek mine was used to build banks, hotels, mausoleums, post offices and even a baptismal font in more than 30 states. Among the most notable projects is the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, built in 1931. Unlike other building stones, the Yule Marble can be extracted in huge unbroken blocks. This allowed sculptors to build the main body of the tomb from a single piece of rock that weighed a record-breaking 56 tons.

Mining is a costly business, however, and the iconic Yule Marble isn’t immune to boom and bust cycles. Debt, decreased demand and a loss of workers to World War I forced the mine to close in 1917. It reopened in 1922 but shut down again in 1941 after World War II began. Modern mining resumed in 1990 and is ongoing today, despite several changes in ownership.

State rock journey

In 2007, another monument was built from the Yule Marble. This one is in Lakewood, and is dedicated to the Girl Scout Troop that helped introduce House Bill No. 1023: the state rock bill. After learning that Colorado had a state mineral and gemstone but no official rock, the troop got to work. They chose the Yule Marble for its fascinating history, contributions across Colorado and the United States, and its pure white color. The state mineral and gemstone, rhodochrosite and aquamarine, are red and blue, so the marble was a patriotic choice.

Today, Colorado Stone Quarries owns and operates the mine, extracting marble from the same quarry that was built in 1905. They built a new quarry in 2012 and plan to continue expanding. The marble is displayed in a showroom in New York City and is popular in Italy, where its beauty is thought to rival the famous Carrara Marble. Even if the mine succumbs to another economic bust, the legacy of the Yule Marble will endure.

Sources:

Colorado Stone Quarries

United States Geological Survey

Aspen Sojourner

Waymarking (Scout monuments and memorials)

The modern Yule Creek quarry. Picture from Colorado Stone Quarries.

Progressive writing assignment part 1

Progressive writing assignment opening paragraph, version 1:

Over 100 years ago, geologists discovered a marble deposit along Yule Creek near Aspen, Colorado. Known as the Yule Marble, the sparkly white rock is coveted worldwide. Its purity and natural occurrence in massive blocks are worth the cost of operating a quarry nearly 10,000 feet above sea level. Architects from Denver to D.C. have used the marble to build landmarks like Union Station and the Lincoln Memorial. In Colorado, the Yule Marble is famous for another reason: it became the official state rock in 2004 with the help of Girl Scout Troop 357.

Progressive writing assignment opening paragraph, version 2 (edits from Sylvia Mendoza):

Over 100 years ago, geologists discovered a marble deposit along Yule Creek near Aspen, Colorado. Known as the Yule Marble, its purity and natural occurrence in massive blocks make the sparkly white rock coveted worldwide. Architects from Denver to D.C. have used it to build landmarks like Union Station and the Lincoln Memorial. It’s now famous for another reason. In 2004, it became Colorado’s official state rock with the help of Girl Scout Troop 357.

Writing Assignment 2: Mapping the Future

Original version of writing assignment 2, an essay about an influential person.

One month before high school graduation, my college plans fell through. Desperate for direction, I looked for advice everywhere. An offhand comment from Mrs. Watson changed everything.   

Mrs. Watson was my high school earth science teacher. I took her class because I wanted to learn about meteorology and oceans, and also because I didn’t want to take physics. But I quickly discovered that my favorite topic was geology.

Her class was unlike any other I’d taken before. It was fun. We identified rocks and minerals, used trays full of water to draw topographic maps on transparent paper, and looked at Saturn through a giant telescope. Every lesson was engaging and hands-on, andI excelled. Being the star student was a huge confidence boost and made me love geology even more.

Until then, I was sure I was going to be a journalist. I only applied to two colleges: The University of Texas and Texas A&M. I was accepted to A&M almost immediately, but didn’t hear back from UT until April.

My application was rejected and I was absolutely crushed. A&M didn’t have a journalism major and after struggling through AP Literature, I knew English wasn’t for me. For weeks, I was listless. My carefully planned future had evaporated before my eyes.

One afternoon, I remembered that Mrs. Watson had told me about two of her former students who majored in geology at A&M. Suddenly, everything was clear. I looked at the degree plan, talked to some professors, and signed up for four years of rocks.       

She was thrilled when I told her about my new college plans. At the end of the year, she gave me an award for having the highest grade in the class. I’d never won an academic award before and it brought me up from the low of being rejected by my dream school.

I went on to earn bachelors and masters degrees in geology and worked in the field for seven years. Mrs. Watson’s creative approach to teaching sparked my interest in earth science; her confidence in me sparked my confidence in myself.

Writing Assignment 1: Getting there

Here’s my writing assignment 1 – both the original and edited versions.

Original:

“Back up, back up, now turn the wheel, now turn it the other way,” I thought. I gripped the steering wheel hard and slowly let off the brake until my car glided into place.

At age 29, I was finally learning how to parallel park. In Texas, where I’d spent most of my adult life, parallel parking is not a thing. There are parking lots everywhere, with spaces wide enough for two pickup trucks. Not in Denver, and especially not in the crowded Highlands neighborhood where I lived.   

I was new to Denver and wanted to explore the city. But instead of getting out and going places, I kept finding myself driving around anxiously looking for parking. A month after moving to Denver, I headed out to a yoga class on a sunny Saturday afternoon. By the time I found somewhere to park, the class had already started, so I just went home. On my first date with my now-husband, I was 15 minutes late because the only place I could park was a mile away from the bar where we were meeting. As I sped-walked to the bar, sweating, I passed plenty of parking spaces I didn’t know how to park in.

Never again, I thought. I cursed the driving school I went to in suburban Houston that never bothered to teach parallel parking. The learning process wasn’t easy. I started by imitating other drivers, getting dangerously close to parked cars as I crept my way into a spot. A friend taught me how to tap my back wheels against the curb. Several times I gave up, circling the block until I could find somewhere else to park. But I ignored the honks and finally mastered the art of parallel parking.

Learning how to parallel park was freeing. I wasn’t late to yoga or dates anymore, and no longer avoided certain neighborhoods because of the parking situation. I could explore my new city and nearby hiking trails, even on the most crowded weekends.

“Now straighten out and brake.” I was in!

Self-edited version 2:

“Back up, back up, now turn the wheel, now turn it the other way,” I muttered to myself. I gripped the steering wheel hard and slowly let off the brake until my car glided into place.

At age 29, I was finally learning how to parallel park. In Texas, where I’d spent most of my adult life, parallel parking is not a thing. There are parking lots everywhere, with spaces wide enough for two pickup trucks. Not in Denver, and especially not in the crowded Highlands neighborhood where I lived.   

I was new to Colorado and wanted to explore. But for the first few months, I spent more time looking for somewhere to park than actually going places. One sunny Saturday afternoon, I headed out to a yoga class. By the time I found somewhere to park, the class had already started, so I just went home. On my first date with my now-husband, I was 15 minutes late because the only place I could park was a mile away from the bar where we were meeting. As I sped-walked to the bar, sweating, I passed plenty of parking spaces I didn’t know how to park in.

Never again, I thought. I cursed the driving school I went to in suburban Houston that never bothered to teach parallel parking. The learning process wasn’t easy. I started by imitating other drivers, getting dangerously close to parked cars as I crept my way into a spot. A friend taught me how to tap my back wheels against the curb. Several times I gave up, circling the block until I could find somewhere else to park. But I ignored the honks and finally got the hang of it.

Learning how to parallel park was freeing. I wasn’t late to yoga or dates anymore, and no longer avoided certain neighborhoods because of the parking situation. I could explore my new city and nearby hiking trails, even on the most crowded weekends. It’s a basic life skill, but it made getting there that much easier.

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